


What Would You Do for a Porno Stash?

by GokuGirl



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-03-31
Updated: 2002-03-31
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:18:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4404122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kamesennin is confronted with a crisis. What will he do for more of the "good stuff"?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Would You Do for a Porno Stash?

One dark, dreary rainy day that would probably turn into one *really* dark, dreary rainy day complete with 70 mph winds and tennis ball size hail just for the sake of this story Muten Roshi decided to pull out his Universal Size Box O' Porn (tm) for old time's sake. When he went to the special closet in the living room where he kept the world's largest porn collection it was gone!

"Noooooooooooooo!" he screamed in anguish even while his perverted old mind was going over all the good times he and his smut had together.

  
_"Why would I ever want to go out with you?" blond Chrissy with the big boobs asked in high school. When she realized where Roshi's eyes were (definitely not above her neck) she slapped him. "Pervert!"_

_"I've seen her somewhere before!" Roshi muttered to himself after getting up from the floor. He pulled a "Busty Lady" from his schoolbag and began to flip through it with a glazed look on his face. "Ah! Miss November!"_

_Chrissy had a full-page spread, the glossy pages completely in color, naked as the day she was born. "I never forget a face!"_

  
"Where did my precious babies go?! Where?!"

Juuhachi-gou entered the room carrying a box. "You mean those porn mags?" He nodded. "I got rid of 'em to make room for my pot." She held up a lopsided vase painted in black. "Krillin says it's relaxing. Besides, I didn't want Marron to find any of 'em."

"I'll just go get them out of the garbage," Roshi said in relief. "I thought you had done something hasty like burned them."

She placed the box at the bottom of the closet. "I didn't throw them out, Roshi. I sold them on eBay and made thousands of zenni from them. I spread joy to other perverts around the world." She looked at him with the same expression of mild boredom that she always has. "Are you done questioning me?"

"MY PORN!" he wailed, tears running down his face. "My sweet, beautiful porn is gone!" He stopped sobbing as he was struck with an idea. "I can go get more!"

Kamesennin Muten Roshi ran to get his wallet from the top of his dresser in his bedroom upstairs. He hoped he had enough money for at least ten magazines but only five would do. He opened his wallet and grew depressed at the emptiness inside. "I don't have any money! Juuhachi-gou can I borrow five-hundred zenni?"

"Iie!"

"Please?"

"Iie!"

"Pretty please with dancing naked chicks covered in whip cream and cherries on top?"

She appeared in his bedroom door. "If you ask me one more time I'm going to hurt you."

So Muten Roshi was forced to beg on the street corners in Satan City during the middle of a very violent rain storm with gusts of wind that had a habit of blowing up young womens' skirts. First he held up a sign that said "Will Work For Porn" but the driving rain soon made the magic marker run down the poster board. Going back to the office supply store for a permanent marker he discovered the joys of lamination so that he wouldn't have to buy more poster board.

His new sign read, "Will Cook, Clean, and Service You For Porn" but a police officer made him cross out the last word. Roshi wrote "Assassinate" in its place.

A sleek black limousine pulled to a stop next to a very damp Roshi and the window in the back moved down a few inches. "I would like to take you up on your offer."

"Really?" he asked excitedly. "Which one? Cooking? Cleaning? Or killing your enemies?"

"Actually all three," the man said as he opened the door. "Get in."

Ominous dark shadows gathered in the corner where the man was sitting so that his face was covered at all times. One hairy hand pressed a key on a laptop sitting in front of him and a house came into view. "This is my mansion, I need you to clean it daily and cook me meals. There is also a man I need you to murder. I would do it myself, but uh, I've been having problems with my knees lately and..."

"Who are you?" Roshi interrupted. "I like to know the name of my employer before I consent to kill for him."

"You may call me Mr. X," the man said. "But only until we reach my home."

Suddenly the lights in the back of the limo flared up, displaying the man to Muten Roshi. He was hairy, goofy looking, and had an obvious bad fashion sense by the look of the shiny red cape. It was no other than ::insert suspenseful music here:: Satan-san!

"I told you to wait until we got into my driveway, baka!" He shouted at his driver after lowering the glass partition. "By the way, you're going to be fired tomorrow!"

"I'm sorry boss!" The man began to apologize right before Satan-san once again raised the glass.

"Anyway," he rolled his eyes. "I want you to kill two people actually. These bakas are constantly trampling all over my style and stealing my fans." He clenched his fist. "They've ruined every single tournament from the Cell Games to the twenty-eighth Tenkaichi Budoukai!"

Roshi's white eyebrows rose sharply. If he knew who he was talking about there was no way in Hades he was going to kill them. "Why don't you just tell everyone the truth about how you didn't kill Cell and Majin Buu didn't fall to your feet and beg for forgiveness?"

He looked at him. "How do you know all that? Unless-" He poked him in the chest. "you're one of those maniacs!"

"You would do well to remove your finger before I remove it for you," Roshi glared at him. "Goku and Gohan both have more honor in their pinkie toes than you have in your entire body. Are you going to go to your grave with the secret everyone was kind enough to keep for you? Do I have to beat your ass in public so that everyone can see how pathetically weak you really are?"

"I am never telling anyone the truth," he said firmly. "Bruises and broken bones be damned."

Roshi grinned evilly at him. "Oh, that was a bad decision Satan. A *very* bad decision." He lowered the glass. "Stop the car."

They were in a very crowded section of town and cars honked at being stopped in the the lane. Roshi opened his door and stepped out, dragging Satan-san behind him with little effort. The larger man was begging for him not to do it but his pleas fell on deaf ears.

"Don't be a coward! Stand up and fight me!" Roshi shouted at him. A crowd began to form around them and the formerly annoyed people in their cars got out and joined them. A television camera and the very same man who had done the Cell Games appeared and began to film the action. For ten long minutes Roshi beat on Satan-san while he feebly tried to defend himself. When the other man was, at last, a whimpering heap Roshi threw up one arm in victory and the crowd cheered.

***

Roshi returned to his island hungry and tired. He had stayed with Satan-san until the ambulance came and everyone turned against him. Marron was playing with Unigame the turtle in the surf and Krillin was grilling up some dinner.

"How was your day?" he asked. "Juu-chan would only tell me that you left to find 'your babies'."

He sighed. "Your wife sold my magazines on eBay and I was trying to make money to buy more."

Krillin's eyebrows rose. "If she sold your porn then what's being buried in the backyard?"

"NANI?!" Roshi ran to the back and sure enough Juuhachi-gou was filling in a huge hole with a shovel. "STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" He collapsed onto the sand, digging frantically at it with his fingers. "My babies! Please be okay! Daddy's coming for you!" He grabbed his magazines and hugged them to his chest. "The bad lady's not going to hurt you any more..."

Juuhachi-gou stared at him. "You are a strange old man. Besides, it was only a joke."

"IT'S NOT VERY FUNNY!" he shouted as he continued to pet his porn and murmur to them. "What possessed you to do something like this? It's not normal for you to have a sense of humor."

She smiled very briefly and tossed threw the shovel over her shoulder. "It's the first. Happy April Fool's Day." Before he could say anything to her she was inside the house.

"When androids joke it's really terrifying," he muttered to himself before gathering up his magazines and taking them back into the house.

 _He sprang to his sleigh,_  
to his team gave a whistle.  
And away they all fly,  
like the down of a thistle.  
But I heard him exclaim,  
as he drove out of sight:  
Merry Christmas to all,  
and to all a good night.

Wait a minute, that's an entirely different holiday.


End file.
